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“The constant spiral of emotions, anxiety over the simplest things, being really protective, and only ever feeling settled when I was with my babies made me feel so stuck; it was as if there was nothing in my world that felt right...”
“I was so confused during postpartum. I was frustrated, angry, I had little clarity, but I was so deep in the darkness that I had lost the sense of what was normal any more. After being continually pregnant and in postpartum for four years (since July 2015 with my eldest son, then until my third baby was born in March 2019), I was on a roller coaster of emotion. I have always been independent, focused, strong and open hearted, and these other negative emotions hit me like a freight train; as I felt so weak, vulnerable and didn't know how to ask for help.
The constant spiral of emotions, anxiety over the simplest things, being really protective, and only ever feeling settled when I was with my babies made me feel so stuck; it was as if there was nothing in my world that felt right. No matter how hard I tried to justify how I was feeling, I wasn't able to get a grasp of reality. I still find it difficult to articulate this until this day when I reflect, even though I don't have those emotions any more.
I did my best to continue practising yoga, I made massive attempts to meditate regularly, exercise thoughts of gratitude and ensure that I spoke with friends to avoid isolation. However, the depression made me retreat to isolation. I found it difficult to speak with family as they were so far away, I couldn't talk to people in the hospitals as they were so rude and obnoxious, and I didn't turn to friends as I didn't have too many and I didn’t feel like they fully understood where I was coming from. I rode that wave for years until I eventually helped myself. It wasn't until I started to set up my wellbeing business that it gave me a sense of purpose, I didn't always know what I was doing, but I was curious and started meeting like-minded entrepreneurs; that gave me deeper insights into how things could be better.
I was actually in a blur until a year after my third baby; this timing was so distinctive for me as I felt a seriously positive shift when I took a long trip to the U.K. Getting out of the negative space in Hong Kong made me realise that I didn't have to live like that; I wanted good for myself and decided to take responsibility for my life, my emotions and gain a sense of purpose in my life again.
When I returned to Hong Kong I decided to take the fresh perspective that I had regained from being away, which helped me to rebuild my confidence again. I felt alive, creative, compassionate and in control again. I sought therapy, I engaged in quantum energy healing, I meditated every day, I made a commitment to ME... I practiced yoga and signed up for a 300-hour yoga teacher training course to become a professional yoga teacher. In order to mitigate not relapsing to feeling the way that I did, I made sure that I had the right people around me to support my thoughts and values.
Looking back, Hong Kong is the worst place ever to have a baby. I hated my first hospital birth so much that I decided on home births for my latter two babies. I actually regret ever giving birth in Hong Kong, and if I hadn’t felt so vulnerable and confused about my power (or lack thereof) or my personal options, I would never have made the choice to experience pregnancy and give birth in Hong Kong. The medical industry there is not trained to prioritise the best interests of the patients and I felt that my human rights as a mother were taken away from me. The home births were completely aligned to my personal purpose and values; it was the best form of expression during a time when I found it challenging to express myself.
I thought the ‘For You’ campaign was such a heart-warming idea and being close with Sarah [Baker] - the instigator of the project - as we were pregnant at the same time, we would talk about our thoughts and I wanted to fully support the initiative that she was driving. In addition, the exposure that this project can lead to in a world when the fourth trimester is never spoken about hits you harder than expected. Even if it touches just a few women, that makes it important enough to share our stories.
I think we can help by sharing stories such that others too can feel prepared or have an expectation. And for those going through tough times, our stories may help them make the distinctions and validate their experiences.
I really enjoyed the photo-shoot. With my youngest turning three, I feel like the bad times are long behind me. And I've been so stuck in my work for such a long time, the shoot was a great way to express myself; I felt alive, open and powerful. I feel like any negative experiences can create beautiful transformations; I don’t feel like I struggle anymore, and I feel like I'm in total flow with life.
I have felt really good since the day of the photos. The week after, I started a new job in corporate and my business in wellness is continuing to expand. I feel so much closer to my family as each day passes, and we have just relocated to Singapore for my new role. I only wish that we had longer for the shoot, as it was so enjoyable…”